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Ryan's Rants Archive!

Here's a collection of Ryan's rantings and other cool things.

Basically, this area is too cool for proper html formatting, so I've done away with that task...

Ryan's Rants New and improved mindset!

Sorry, we are no longer accepting your childrens drawings of Andrew for use on the site. Once we realized everyone hated him, and our servers were crushed by the amount of e-mails, we had to take the I Hate Andrew portion of our site down. We apologize to anyone affected by this change.

10 January 2005

Promoting Segregation in US Convenience stores.

I think that it's time for segregation in the US again. Only this time, not Black and White or Purple or Green.

No, we're not going to single out a race. Rather, we're going to seperate OLD PEOPLE into a new check-out line at the registers. They'll have their own line, complete with External Defribulator, Hand Rail, and Walker access.

Look at it this way, when they get into line, they'll all now why the line is taking so long. It's because everyone else from the assisted living center ahead of them is buying Instant Lottery tickets.

Keep them out of my line. I like to check out quickly. I have my card ready, I know what pack of cigarettes I want, I've already got my Diet Coke, and there's a sense of urgency in my demeanor.

Having to wait for these reaper-ready individuals to decide what numbers they want to pick for the day's Pick-4 Lottery is almost enough to make me retire. And if he takes long enough, I just may expire.

And what's with their driving? I swear to you we need to implement a new Driver's Education program. The new rule is this. If and when you start collecting Social Security, it will be mandatory to be retested. Same test that 16 year olds have to take. However, this test will include a few new special features, as follows...

1.) If you can't operate the radio or climate controls without crossing into the oncoming lane, you fail.

2.) If you insist on driving your car onto the parking bumpers in front of stores, you fail.

3.) If you're on oxygen, you are not allowed to drive. No hoses shall protrude from the driver at any time from any place on their body.

4.) If you choose to drive less than 10 MPH below the speed limit, you shall pull over every 100 feet and let the 100 cars lined up behind you pass by. If you are caught at any time with more than 2 cars stuck behind your slow moving vehicle, you will be thrown on the cart, and wheeled away.

5.) If you haggle the Gas Station attendent about the price of gas one more time, I will personally make the call to Dr. K for you. No Questions asked...

6.) Seriously, I love my older relatives. They are great people, and I can only hope that when I reach that age, I have the same patience for my grandchildren as they have for me. this article has NOTHING to do with them. I'm simply speaking about people I've passed on the highway or around town. Do not bend or fold your elders.

people tried to call me about this article before realizing that they just got rear-ended by a 95 year old driver doing 65 MPH into their bumper at a stop light.

14 December 2004


Here's a collection of "Tips" I've received over the years. I think they reflect the thoughts and feelings of everyone I've ever met, and of course by me saying them here on the internet, they are right.

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table
knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave
immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt
scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You
can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that
has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into
an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me.
Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy.
Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed
potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or
whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car
with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other
people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.
You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the
time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table
while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes.
If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if
you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have
three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory
celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or
get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.

Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave
with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved
body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in
the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO
HOO what a ride!"

Happy Holidays to you all !!!

Ryan Hull

holiday partiers read this fine piece of literature and decided to send Ryan Coal Filled Hate-mail Christmas presents, but couldn't muster the energy required due to overeating...


21 November 2004


I recently received this e-mail from a friend. I think it speaks volumes. Read on.

Will we still be the Country of choice and
still be America if we continue to make the changes
forced on us by the people from other countries that
came to live in America because it is the Country of
Think about it . .

All I have to say is, when will they do
something about MY RIGHTS? I celebrate Christmas,
but because it isn't celebrated by everyone, we can
no longer say Merry Christmas. Now it has to be
Season's Greetings. It's not Christmas vacation,
it's Winter Break. Isn't it amazing how this winter
break ALWAYS occurs over the Christmas holiday?
We've gone so far the other way, bent over backwards
to not offend anyone, that I am now being offended.

But it seems that no one has a problem with that.
This says it all!

This is an editorial written by an American
citizen, published in a Tampa newspaper He did
quite a job; didn't he? Read on, please!

I am tired of this nation worrying about whether
we are offending some individual or their culture.
Since the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11, we have
experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of
Americans. However, the dust from the attacks had
barely settled when the "politically correct! "
crowd began complaining about the possibility that
our patriotism was offending others.

I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a
grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life
by coming to America. Our population is almost
entirely made up of descendants of immigrants.
However, there are a few things that those who have
recently come to our country, and apparently some
born here, need to understand. This idea of America
being a multicultural community has served only to
dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. As
Americans, we have our own culture, our own society,
our own language and our own lifestyle. This culture
has been developed over centuries of struggles,
trials, and victories by millions of men and women
who have sought freedom.

We speak ENGLISH, not Spanish, Portuguese,
Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other
language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of
our society, learn the language!

"In God We Trust" is our national motto. This
is not some Christian, right wing, political slogan.
We adopted this motto because Christian men and
women, on Christian principles, founded this nation,
and this is clearly documented. It is certainly
appropriate to display it on the walls of our
schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you
consider another part of the world as your new home,
because God is part of our culture.

If Stars and Stripes offend you, or you don't
like Uncle Sam, then you should seriously consider a
move to another part of this planet. We are happy
with our culture and have no desire to change, and
we really don't care how you did things where you
came from. This is OUR COUNTRY, our land, and our
lifestyle. Our First Amendment gives every citizen
the right to express his opinion and we will allow
you every opportunity to do so!

But once you are done complaining, whining, and
griping about our flag, our pledge, our national
motto, or our way of life, I highly encourage you
take advantage of one other great American freedom,


It is Time for Americas to Speak up

Americans read this article and immediately decided to send Ryan $$$'s.


25 October 2004

The race for Space...

Here's my take on what we should do with space..

Let's face it, no one owns space. It's just out there, and there really hasn't been a "claim" placed on any of it yet.

However, with the advent of new technology, mining methods and nutty national leaders, we seem to be taking a hard look at some of these planets lately as a new source of raw materials.

Now you may be asking youself, "self," How are we going to start mining other planets and make it cost-effective. "Cost Effective?" Everyone here keeps forgetting that the only "thing" that has landed on another celestial body has been funded by our worthy federal government. And when was the last time they did anything "cost effective?"

So needless to say, I think we're going to try and tap other planets for their raw resources. In fact, I think it will be a Union Robot work crew performing the task. This way, we can further increase the cost for the project, without seeing a genuine return on investment.

So What about "rights?" Who owns those rocks out there? I would have to say the following in response. Basically, whoever lands on those suckers first with a gun. "You Win!" Simple and easy. Plus, we need to stop sending probes named after dogs to these planets and start sending Marines. They're hard-core & they won't mind.

And what about getting stuff back and forth? How are we supposed to get these materials back to our planet for use? Simple. You create a freight "transporter" that purportedly "beams" the materials back to earth, and right into the earth's crust. "Why the hell would we do that? Why not just "beam" it back to a production facility, or directly into a big "mars Coal" container here on earth?

The answer is simple. We don't want to be accused of outsourcing our mining jobs to a bunch of robots and technology, so we still have to offer the union conglomerate the chance to sleep on the job, play checkers, and further boost costs. How much sense would it make just to do things smart? Hey, this is America. What were you thinking?

people took this article seriously before realizing I used words like "transporter" and "beam it"...